so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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