I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
