tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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