I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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