8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
