Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
