when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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