I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
