Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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