OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
