see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
