If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
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