Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
