my vag is so smooth its legendary
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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