when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
