so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
