Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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