Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
