I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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