i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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