We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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