I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I believe in your delicious
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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