i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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