we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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