During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
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I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
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And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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