There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
