I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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