mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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