Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
