I hate your face
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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