Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
