Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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