I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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