after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
