I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I fill condoms, not promises.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
