I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
