The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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