One girl and one boy is just not enough.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
