chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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