dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
