With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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