His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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