I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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