he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
