just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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