I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
