I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
