does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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