I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
