I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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