Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
