Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The convent might be a nice break from real life
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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