Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
